i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
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