What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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