i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
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