I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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