i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
