I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
