I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
