Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
