my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
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Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
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you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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