if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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