PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
