1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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