craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
