What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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