I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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