im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
