ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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