I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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