Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
But break dance skills will only take you so far
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
