I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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