Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Dicks are not precious.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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