At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
