at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
