I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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