Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
