I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
