she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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