I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
