Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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