I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
