some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
