About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
