Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
