Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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