i just wanna soil my oats bro
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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