my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
My brain says no but my pants say off.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
