Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
