I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
