This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
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