No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
