I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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