so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
