From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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