be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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