Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
