What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
