i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
