Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
