i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
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