I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
