I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
