I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
The best revenge is premature balding
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
